I don't have a lot of time these days to sit down down and read a book. The only sliver of time I can ever find is right before bed. I have uncovered a way to fill myself with the learning that I am craving by listening to audiobooks while I drive, clean my house, fold the clothes, run, etc. This eagerness to learn started at the beginning of this year when I made the realization that not just one but two of my children do not fit in the mold of typically developing child. They are utterly passionate about the narrow subjects they love in life but are being deprived of experiencing the serenity or peacefulness of their learning. Simply stated.... The world is moving too fast for them to take it all in.
Everyone has their own set of challenges in life. I personally believe that it is these challenges that bring us closer to a soulful way of living life. It is up to us to stop, listen, be present.... and then the magic will happen. For me, this is about finding the polarity of a bad situation and discovering the wisdom. Anybody can learn a lesson but it is the application of this knowledge that draws wisdom. Wisdom can not be taught, it must be learned through experience. This is exactly what I have set out to do for my children. Not just for Luke and Sydney, but also for my strong and independent Ava.
I experience, I do, I learn, I stop, I reflect, I create, I love, I read, I yoga, I make mistakes, I fail, I consider, I get affected, I listen, I learn and I apply. Add 37 years of "trying to figure it all out" and I have learned that in order to have peace within, you need to love yourself first. And in order to love yourself you have to be willing to just be ok with the fact that you may never "figure it all out." Beauty within begins with being an individual and not conforming to society or a set of ideals that has been fixed in our brain. Nourishing your soul through the art of everyday life and seeing the beauty in all things and people. Peace does not judge, it seeks understanding. Peace is having faith and discovering the depth of your own soul in this infinite universe. It is believing in something that is not concrete or can be proven by science. It is not rational, it is simply living life fully in the present. I am the happiest in those moments when I put it all away and I focus on what is in front of me, especially when "it" is my children or Steve. The love is inherently there already but an underlying trust is built and our souls connect. When we truly listen and connect, beautiful things start to happen. It appears as an "A-ha" moment that prove we are moving in the right spiritual direction.... that we are nourishing our soul. Nothing of this physical world, just the intangible faith that God is present and we are moving along on the right path.
I had one of these magical moments tonight with Luke. I have been investing so much time in trying engage Luke in his schoolwork so he might be intrigued. What works one night to excite him about math, reading or just plain old learning doesn't work the next. It is exhausting to say the least. He challenges me! Tonight I just listened and a beautiful thing happened.... he opened up to me. It wasn't that he didn't want to tell me this before, it was that he couldn't find the right words to articulate what his brain was thinking. And tonight he made a new neuropathway in his brain as he spit out the following words to me, "Mommy, sometimes I can't hear what people are saying to me." I asked," Do you mean you ears can't hear the actual words coming out of their mouths, or that they are speaking so fast that your brain doesn't have enough time to understand the words?" He said it was the latter of the two and I thanked him for telling me that because it helps me understand him better. I know from all of the reading I have done and the studying I have invested in Luke that people with Autism have a weak short-term memory and a great long-term memory. It is literally wired like that in the neural pathways of the brain. Because Luke has an auditory processing delay coupled with a weak short-term memory, he hears words coming out too fast and that is it.... he can't process the words and therefore he can't hear what people are saying. So engaging Luke is like turning on his "On" switch. If he is engaged and words are spoken slowly, he will learn. This has been a theory that I suspected but it was actually proven to me tonight. My hard work is paying off and through my advocacy, I will make sure that Luke, Ava and Sydney will have all of the tools they need to be successful in school and that will in turn, instill the confidence in them that is needed to create peace, love and gratitude in life and most importantly find God in their life.
By teaching my brain about the neuroscience of autism, I learn patience, understanding and even gratitude about the disease. It is not a disability like we tend to think it is. Just because these passionate beings don't fit into the conforms of our society and school systems, doesn't mean that they should feel lesser because they lack the social ingenuity and sensory control that neurotypicals have. It is up to me as my children's mother to be their guide and example. Show them the way instead of just telling them. I want to ignite a fire beneath them so they can slow down and learn to love the eccentric and beautiful aspects of themselves. I want them to find their peace.
When we were in St. Louis a few weeks ago we visited the Butterfly House. It really was an artist's dream to be in there with hundreds of butterflies. There are so many metaphors or even quotes I can think of and that I have grown to love about the short lives and amazing beauty of butterflies but I will leave that for another blog post. In art and photography, I am really drawn to colors but I have this attachment to the almost naturally black and white photograph I captured of a butterfly approaching a flower. It is usually found that in the darkest times of our lives, we find the beauty and light within that keeps us forging ahead towards Divinity.
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